*As the light flickers*
Yes Si Hui, I know that this blog is dying, but its most definitely not dead. I just dont have the mood to do anything about it frankly speaking. Then again, I cant say that I have much of a mood to do anything at all....not without my ray of light......
Rin left for Korea, I believe, to be with her mother on Thursday and since then, I have not heard from her. Nothing on Facebook, nothing on the other social sites that she frequents, nothing on the phone, nothing on the messenger. She has effectively vanished from my life as I see it. How then can I feel alive when I dont even know the condition of my girl?
These three days have been torturous, filled with anguish and the like. The emptiness that accompanies it can never be explained in words. The void that resides within me grows ever so surely. The cold that is in my heart continues to freeze my feelings, my interests. If you were to see my eyes, they will most certainly lifeless, nothing but mere spheres with hardly any shine to it. To tell you honestly, this blog is not as dead as I am.
But then again, it is during this period of absence that I can grow and mature as a person. I have promised her that I will remain strong, to focus on my studies. She respected my decisions of spending less time with her. She has allowed me to pursue my own dreams and desires. She has always allowed me to be myself, never restricting me intentionally, never caging me in her standards. I believe this is the time to show her what this free bird can do.
"Bye ben chan...u take care of uself. Stay strog n be safe.i will be missing u...=__="
I'll be waiting for you to come back to me Rin, and when you do you'll see a stronger Ben.
~Because you're worth it~
23:53
*The shadow of the day*
Well, its been weeks since I've been on this website posting. But it is regretable that I am posting something somewhat negative after my long time of absence. It is sad really......
Sitting here in the room, as I look out the window to see the sunset; the orange glow making the buildings glow and giving the clouds an extra sparkle. Sounds beautiful (or not) right? But all I see are the dark clouds hovering behind the cute white fluffy ones; the dark clouds that bring about rain and thunder and lighting, the clouds which always remind me of the darker parts of my life, the parts I choose to hide.
And today, my thoughts are filled with math, or rather the results of my math paper. It isnt too much to boast about, because there is nothing to be proud of. I've been scoring As for math in Primary school, hovering around the passing grade in Secondary school and now as I walk down the path as a Junior College student, I'm feeling lucky to have a double digit score. Sad isnt it? Truth be told that math has never been my strongest subject and I have come to that conclusion already. I thought that with more studying, I could do better and improve.
I was wrong
Surprisingly, I studied math volunteerily and yet I was struck with pages full of questions that baffle me to no end. Those 2-3 hours of my life, was spent in depression and sinking deeper into it as the seconds ticked by.
Hiding behind a front will only go so far, sooner or later you'll show your true self.......
~Embracing the world in grey~
03:24
*I want to soak up the sun*
This is the story of a boy named Benjamin, who set off at 9am for East Coast Park from his humble abode in Seng Kang. And boy did he "enjoy" the bus ride. I mean seriously, the entire bus ride took 90 minutes in total, which is ridiculously long. Given that I have motion sickness and all, it wasnt really that smooth for me. Almost fainted inside the bus and I couldnt even walk straight when I got off, thank the heavens I didnt fall down the steps at the overhead bridge.
Anyway, managed to crawl to the MacDonalds there. Found Jie Qiang, Terence, Min Yi, Vivian Lim, Abi and Aaron there already. And guess what I did first thing I stepped inside? I ATE! Isnt that surprising for those that know me well already. I ate an entire meal in like 3 minutes? Burger, drink and all. Wasnt that filling at all. Anyway, Vivian Chow, Regina and Jacelyn came finally and we set off for cycling.
Cycle cycle cycle cycle cycle cycle cycle cycle cycle cycle
Then....somebody tried to pick up the phone while riding the bicycle...and guess what? She fell. Well at least she found out that everyone cares about her. Haha. Vivian Lim the First-aid box and Min Yi the first-aider raced against time to stop the bleeding. Not that it was that serious, but yea an injury is still and injury and should be taken care of as quickly as possible. Found out that girls bring out EVERYTHING. Antiseptic swabs, tons and tons of handiplast, nail clippers. What next? A toolbox? Well, while the girls were tending to her wounds, the guys were gentlemanly enough to bring all the bicycles back to the rental. We have Jie Qiang and Terence and Regina going up and down and up and down the park transferring bicycles, while the rest pushed them to the store. And I was really fast, if I do say so myself. Would have broken into a run if I wasnt wearing slippers. Haha. Egoistic.....I dont care!
What did we do next.......oh. LUNCH TIME!
Decided to eat fresh and go to Subway. And again I wasnt full at all. I want Carl's junior, its the only fast food joint that can fill me up and there is Free Flow of drinks. But that is beside the point, just know that we ate. Yea. Terence took out his cards and we were playing cards inside the store. Haha. Some of the staff members were looking at us so intently.
Went back to the beach and played with the sand and the sea. Well I think that the sea was playing with us more, got us wet...really wet when we tried to get some water for whatever we were building. Oh and I tried to carry some people off to dunk them into the sea. And it wasnt really fair, the guys were struggling too much to carry off and the girls scream into my ear. Seriously, I can do deaf from being around them too much.
Since I cant get anyone to be in the sea, I thought I could bury someone.....so I dug a hole and according to some kid behind me, I was doing a dog like action. Honestly, nothing beats being called a dog by a 7 year old kid. Well at least I was having fun.
And Jimmy was right when I was digging my own grave....literally. Because in the end I was the one that got inside the hole, and I found out just how big and fat I was. Because I couldnt fit inside the whole and well it only came up to my calf when I set in it. I look ridiculously stupid in the sand like that. Ridiculously stupid.
Managed to talk the day away with my friends and played a couple of card games as well. I went to dig another hole and I sat inside this time looking at the blue sky, listening to the soft splashing of the waves on the beach and just enjoying the gentle sea breeze. This is one of those times when I wish that Rin was here with me, then again if she was with me, I wouldnt really have the time or chance to sit peacefully in that hole. But still, I want her with me.
Pictures speak a thousand words right? So I'll just shut up now. Hehe.
~Friendships that will never be lost 1509~
16:20
*On my shoe*
I HAVE A PET SPIDER NOW!
Yea, I found him/her walking on my sandals when it was out to dry. Took my mom and I some time before we managed to get it to go inside the canister that we had and boy was it fun to catch it. Right now that little fellow is inside the canister resting in its pile of leaves. Well I hope that its going to be alright in there.
Anyway, that guy is named Acasica.
(Name was given by a friend of mine. Keep having the feeling that I spelt it wrong)
Its quite a nice name for a spider honestly. Hehe.
This post was done on impulse actually so yea its pretty darn short. I'll try to get a picture of that little guy. But its going to be difficult.
~Acasica~
07:29
*Blackfooters all the way*
Came back from AB camp on Friday, slept for 14 hours straight because I was so darn tired, but that is beside the point right now. Honestly, I dont feel like typing so much, then again, AB camp cannot be summarised in an essay. There are things that cannot be explained with words and this is just one of the things. I had a hell of a time, literally, getting pumped and whatnot for every little thing that we did. But seeing as how I am from an all guys' school and been to more than one of these kind of discipline camps, it didnt take that much of a toll on me. I cant say about the entire group though, some were weaker than others and yet stronger at the same time. Some impacted me so greatly with their determination, others with their change, others still with a weirdness that cannot be matched. The team I was in, well, we were a whole mixture of feelings, emotions, opinions and personalities, which probably made the experience so much more worthwhile.
Dont know who was the one that named our group Blackfoot, it is kind of weird when you say it out especically when you do cheers....
"GO Blackfoot! Go Blackfoot! Go Blackfoot! Super Blackfoot!"
Well, at least the team had their laughs.
Like I said, I wont be going into details of what happened there but I would really want to thank everyone for being who they are and doing what they do best. Some people say that AB camp is THE highlight of their entire term of office as leaders and up till now, I couldnt agree more. looking forward to growing further and maturing to be a better leader (because I really need to grow up) Hope AJ can change my life just like how Cat High did.
Well, I am entitled to hope and hopes will remain as hopes unless actions bring them to life.
Oh, by the way..I really like this little poem
"Paradoxes of being a servant leader"
Strong enough to be Weak
Successful enough to Fail
Busy enough to take Time
Wise enough to say "I dont know"
Serious enough to Laugh
Rich enough to be poor
Right enough to say "I am wrong"
Compassionate enough to discipline>br>Mature enough to be Childish
Important enough to be Last
Leading enough to Serve
~Complete each other, not Compete with each other~
01:43
*There's a first time for everything*
Ok so I have nothing much to blog about at the moment, apart from the fact that I am completely busy with the life in school right now.
I've been made the Vice-president of the Photographic Society in AJC. Some may say that this is something to be happy about, since it is well prestigious (Somewhat) and well it is a rather high post afterall. However, with all the benefits and other things that I'll be getting along the way, it comes with a immense serving of responsibility and work. Seeing as how hard at work my seniors were, I expect no less than what they had went through, in fact I expect that I'll have to do more. Well anyway, the rest of the team will be helping the President to execute his tasks well. This is all about teamwork and putting aside all else to complete the task with efficiency and effectiveness.
Another thing will be the AB camp that I'll be going to on about 2 days. 5 day 4 nights camp, yea. Its going to be fun, but its also going to be physically, mentally even spiritually exhausting? I dont really know, there is always a first time and this is the first time that I am going for such a camp. In any case, I'm with my best friend so yay me, that is something to look forward to.
But perhaps, what is bugging me is not the exhaustion of myself...but rather the exhaustion of those around me. I've seen people breaking down and going depressed and there is this one person that I've been worried about the entire time since I met her and started reading her blog. If she is reading this, I do hope that she will take good care of herself and honestly dont push herself too hard. She is an amazing person really. Nobody expects more than what you can do, so just try your best.
I started off with nothing to blog about, but thoughts just keep flowing and I guess that is how these blogs work. They bring out the innate feelings of people and just allows them to think and let their ideas flow.
By the way, I am doing this all in school. So yea.
~There is always a first time, but not always a second~
19:06
*Can you relate to this?*
I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bedWhere your nightgown used to be
I told myself I wouldn't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory
I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my fac
eAnd the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)
~Love her with everything you've got~
18:41
